If the other person clearly would need advice, but for one reason or another won’t ask for them, there’s a magical trick you can perform: ask permission to give advice.
Tools for tough situations
Within every conflict there’s a possibility for growth
It’s easy to be a good team player on days when everybody is happy. It takes a whole lotta more talent to be a good team player on other days, when opinions, goals and personalities clash. However, each argument, conflict and difficult situation contains a possibility to develop as a human being.
These situations feel uneasy at first. We have a tendency to avoid discomfort, fear and rejection. In addition to that, most of us have been brought up to believe one should not argue. No wonder we would like to circle around difficult topics and put out any potential conflict as fast as possible. But that is not a sustainable way of dealing with things.
Not all arguments are necessary. I want to help you to recognize the ones that are. I want to provide you with tools to withstand and endure difficult situations and deal with challenging people. What is good argument like? How can you disagree in a constructive manner? How to find the growth within the conflict?
Start with these
Why Did I Get Shouted at When I Just Offered Help?
We blame to ease our discomfort and pain. In those situations innocent people might get yelled at about non-related things without any fault.
When in Conflict It’s Important to Feel You’re on the Same Side
Conflict is a slightly sturdy word but in this article I mean every situation where two people face each other disagreeing about a thing, a situation or an opinion.
Dear Developer
I’ve been a very good human being this year. Which is why I’m asking for a little Christmas present. Would you be so kind and reply to this short questionnaire.
Christmas with Your Family Provides an Opportunity to Practice
Our family members are masters at giving us feedback. Some of it is blunt, some less obvious, some has a point and some is downright outrageous. When you feel yourself getting tense and irritated, it is a perfect opportunity to investigate your feedback triggers.
There Is No Reason to Be Rude Just Because You’re Having a Flow
It is easy to hide behind the statement that “this is just who I am”. It is important to understand the characteristics of your personality, but it’s not useful to build a fortress with them.
It’s Not Always Your Fault but It Is Always Your Responsibility
Who is given the most challenging and best projects, most valuable customers? Probably not to the one who cannot settle arguments and be the bigger person.
Feeling + Behaviour + Impact = FBI Feedback Formula
FBI feedback is best suited for situations where you need to address the actions or behaviour that has caused some emotions – negative or positive.
Do I Have to Apologize When I’ve Done Nothing Wrong?
We ask too little questions. We don’t explore the context enough. We rush to response: “come on, don’t get all worked up about that, it was just a JOKE!”
Me kysymme aivan liian vähän kysymyksiä. Selvitämme aivan liian vähän taustatietoja. Lähdemme useimmiten suin päin vastaamaan, että ”älä nyt hyvä ihminen raivostu, sehän oli VITSI”.
Hamburger Isn’t a Suitable Shape for Feedback
Hamburger as a feedback model lets all parties off the hook too easily. At worst it gives a permission to flee the situation and not to confront the feedback at all.
These too are worth your while
You’re not going to believe what I’m about to tell you
The Oatmeal
We want to keep our worldview. If we’re presented with facts that argue against our core beliefs, instead of changing our core beliefs we become angry, defensive or even aggressive. This batshit-f*cking-bonkers behaviour* has a scientific name called the backfire effect. Read all about it from this brilliant comic.
* The Oatmeal’s terminology, not mine.
Leadership and Self-Deception
The Arbinger Institute, 2009
I’m right and others are mostly wrong. I’m hard-working and do things right, others are lazy and do a poor job. I cannot trust anything to others, I’ll do it better myself anyway. People simply don’t appreciate enough what I do for them. If any of these sentences is a recurrent thought in your head, read this book. Preferably right now and repeat every second year or so.