Speech that focuses on the recipient doesn’t come just from saying “you” but from truly putting ourselves in the other person’s position. When communication focuses on the experiences of the recipient and not the speaker’s own agenda, even one sentence can totally change the interaction.
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“Yes, I understand, but…”
”Yes, I understand, but…” doesn’t make people feel understood. During conflict, understanding happens only when we take the time to listen, summarise the message and give space to the other person’s experience – before sharing our own counterarguments.
What to do with feedback?
The good news is that you don’t have to accept feedback as is. The bad news is that if you want to be a true professional, you have to receive the feedback, take it seriously and handle it.
The feedback discussion is the most important stage of giving feedback
When we give feedback, we usually want to somehow change another person’s behaviour or actions. Often it requires not only giving feedback but also a discussion that helps the person receiving feedback to process and internalise it.
Don’t give feedback like this
The worst pitfalls for giving feedback are the feedback sandwich, generalisations and back-channeling. All of these have their own downsides, but they all share one issue: they make it harder to receive feedback.
What is empathy?
What’s expected of us when someone hopes we’ll be empathic or listen empathically? How do I know if I’m being empathic? What’s the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Does it seem like I’m secretly judging you?
Almost any question can sound like you’re fucking with the other person if you intend it that way. Likewise, almost any question can be taken as fucking with you, even if it wasn’t. A lot depends on how the question is asked.
Why does it sound like an interrogation?
Have you ever asked someone a totally innocent and genuine “why” question and received a counterattack from a person who’s gone on the defensive? The reason might be past experience of being doubted, shame or dissatisfaction with one’s own actions.
”Well, it is what it is”
”But no more about that”, “It happens” and “Oh, it’s time for me to leave now.” There are many ways to belittle your own experiences and end the conversation. But maybe you shouldn’t.
People annoy us and that’s OK
Annoyance is a part of life, and simply to be expected. Getting annoyed is not a sign that everything is ruined but a sign that everything is as it should be.