The worst pitfalls for giving feedback are the feedback sandwich, generalisations and back-channeling. All of these have their own downsides, but they all share one issue: they make it harder to receive feedback.
Tools for tough situations
Within every conflict there’s a possibility for growth
It’s easy to be a good team player on days when everybody is happy. It takes a whole lotta more talent to be a good team player on other days, when opinions, goals and personalities clash. However, each argument, conflict and difficult situation contains a possibility to develop as a human being.
These situations feel uneasy at first. We have a tendency to avoid discomfort, fear and rejection. In addition to that, most of us have been brought up to believe one should not argue. No wonder we would like to circle around difficult topics and put out any potential conflict as fast as possible. But that is not a sustainable way of dealing with things.
Not all arguments are necessary. I want to help you to recognize the ones that are. I want to provide you with tools to withstand and endure difficult situations and deal with challenging people. What is good argument like? How can you disagree in a constructive manner? How to find the growth within the conflict?
Start with these
Why does it sound like an interrogation?
Have you ever asked someone a totally innocent and genuine “why” question and received a counterattack from a person who’s gone on the defensive? The reason might be past experience of being doubted, shame or dissatisfaction with one’s own actions.
”Well, it is what it is”
”But no more about that”, “It happens” and “Oh, it’s time for me to leave now.” There are many ways to belittle your own experiences and end the conversation. But maybe you shouldn’t.
Giving a context improves conversation quality
Context, that is, why we are hearing this thing, improves conversation quality. The speaker gets a better response, and the listener is able and knows how to listen better.
“I’m just being honest!”
If our intent is to have a productive discussion, it’s not enough to be honest. You also must be constructive, compassionate and understanding. Without these, honesty will probably only wreak havoc.
What to do when someone annoys you?
Sometimes people annoy us, and we can’t do anything about it. But even if you accept this as a part of life, you’re still left with the fact that you’re annoyed. So what can you do about your annoyance?
Sometimes we hear whatever
We are used to trusting our observations and memories. In reality, our observations are subjective and our memory has holes in it. When we think back on a past event, our memory can only recall crumbs, from which we form a story in our head that feels pleasant or that makes sense.
Separate interpretations from observations
Separating interpretations from observations sounds like an easy task, but is more difficult in practice. We think of ourselves as reliable, objective and neutral narrators whose observations are true. However, our own interpretative framework always affects our observations.
You don’t listen – No, I don’t obey
You’d think it’s obvious whether someone is listening to me or whether I’m listening or not. Yet I’ve repeatedly stumbled into disagreements about listening in my personal life, at work and in literature.
Summarizing is a good listener’s superpower
Simply put, summarizing is repeating the other person’s narrative to them briefly and in your own words. Let’s delve a bit deeper, though: why, how and for what purpose you can use summarizing.
These too are worth your while
You’re not going to believe what I’m about to tell you
The Oatmeal
We want to keep our worldview. If we’re presented with facts that argue against our core beliefs, instead of changing our core beliefs we become angry, defensive or even aggressive. This batshit-f*cking-bonkers behaviour* has a scientific name called the backfire effect. Read all about it from this brilliant comic.
* The Oatmeal’s terminology, not mine.
Leadership and Self-Deception
The Arbinger Institute, 2009
I’m right and others are mostly wrong. I’m hard-working and do things right, others are lazy and do a poor job. I cannot trust anything to others, I’ll do it better myself anyway. People simply don’t appreciate enough what I do for them. If any of these sentences is a recurrent thought in your head, read this book. Preferably right now and repeat every second year or so.