What do people expect of us when they hope for empathy or empathic listening? What is empathy and how does it relate to emotional intelligence or compassion? How do I know if I’m being empathic?
Nowadays, empathy is quite a widely used term in different conversations, but it’s not all that simple to define. Empathy and sympathy are also often used interchangeably and there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer as to what the difference is between the two. However, there are many different views.
I don’t aim to – and cannot even aim to – find a final definition. Instead, I’m aiming to find an answer that can be used at the workplace and in everyday life when we’re meeting other people. After all, it’s clear that empathy is a central component of functional relationships (at work and outside of it) and empathic listening is a good skill to practice.
Empathy according to Brown and Wiseman
This short animation summarises researcher and author Brené Brown’s thoughts on empathy and the difference between empathy and sympathy:
In the video, Brown quotes Theresa Wiseman, who has studied different professions that require empathy and summed up the four qualities of empathy:
- Perspective-taking
- Staying out of judgement
- Recognising and understanding emotion in other people
- Communicating this understanding to the other person
So the important thing about empathy is that you can put yourself in the other person’s position, recognise and understand the other person’s emotions and communicate this understanding to the other person gently and without judgement.
The difference between empathy and sympathy
Brown uses a metaphor about a hole to illustrate the difference between empathy and sympathy. When a person is going through hard times, they’re at the bottom of a hole. The person in the hole says, “It’s dark, I’m stuck, I’m overwhelmed.”
Empathy is agreeing to climb down into the hole to support another person. Empathy is vulnerable, because it activates our own memories of similar experiences and feelings. Empathy makes you face the difficult feeling with another person and creates a space where the feeling isn’t being solved or removed, but understood.
Sympathy, on the other hand, is shouting down the hole: “Oh, that sucks, good luck with that!” A characteristic of sympathy is also belittling the experience or trying to find the silver lining when someone is going through hard times. For example, sentences that begin with “Well, at least…” are sympathetic, not empathic.
- ”I’m having a hard time at work…” “Well, at least you have a job.”
- ”I’m having some health issues…” ”Well, at least it’s not cancer.”
Klaavu’s empathy keeps a distance
Another view on the difference of empathy and sympathy comes from licensed therapist and author Juha Klaavu, who uses the same hole metaphor to illustrate the difference.
In Klaavu’s version of the metaphor, when someone has fallen down a hole, a sympathetic person jumps in after them without any way to get out. A sympathetic person overidentifies with the other person’s feelings to such an extent that they can no longer stay stable and capable of action. In sympathy, the other person’s feelings take over a person and instead of the other person feeling better, neither can get out of the hole. At worst, the person who initially needed support ends up supporting the one “helping”.
In empathy, on the other hand, you do climb down the hole, but with a ladder. You maintain a separation and deal with your own feelings, and so can help both of you out of the hole. You’re ready to meet the other person’s experiences and feelings, but don’t join in. Since an empathic person stays stable, they can mirror the other person’s feelings and reactions, and in that way help the other person examine their own experiences.
Tactical empathy as taught by Voss and Rosenberg
A third view on empathy comes from hostage negotiator Chris Voss and developer of nonviolent communication (NVC), Marshall Rosenberg. It focuses on the practical side of empathy: how to listen empathically.
Voss uses the term tactical empathy when he teaches people to listen empathically. In tactical empathy, the focus is on the other person and their experiences. The goal is to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from. The important thing in tactical empathy is active listening and related listening tools such as labelling and mirroring.
In Rosenberg’s non-violent communication, empathic listening means recognising the other person’s feelings and needs and mirroring them back to the other person. When, for example, someone shares a difficult experience at work, an empathic listener answers, “Are you sad and frustrated because you would have wanted support and understanding?”
The central point of both approaches is that empathic listening aims to understand on a deeper level what’s going on in the other person’s life: where the experience comes from, what’s behind it and how the other person is feeling. Mirroring these back to the speaker helps them process and live through their emotions safely and with support.
Listen empathically at work
We face all sorts of feelings and situations daily at work. If we learn to listen empathically, we can help our colleagues process their experiences and move past them. Often simply the experience of being heard and connecting with another person is enough to make us feel better, and the problem becomes smaller.
When you want to listen empathically, avoid:
- overidentifying with and drowning in the other person’s feelings (if your feelings threaten to take over, take a time-out)
- sympathy and pity where you’re shouting down the hole, belittling the situation or seeking for a silver lining for the other person’s problem
- solving and fixing things (often the other person just wants to be heard and to feel that someone understands them)
- judgements and putting yourself above the other person
Instead, try to:
- put yourself in the other person’s position and understand what the other is feeling
- protect the space where the other person can process things by giving the situation time and being ready to put up with unpleasant feelings that the situation may bring up
- recognise the other person’s emotions and needs
- mirror, which is to say, tell the other person what you heard and understood
I still don’t know how empathy relates to emotional intelligence or compassion. Instead, I believe I know now what’s expected of me when I’m asked to listen empathically. How about you?
TL;DR There are a lot of opinions on the meaning of empathy and sympathy
- Coming up with a final definition is at the very least difficult. Perhaps the main thing is to find a system that can be applied at work and in everyday life.
- According to Brown and Wiseman, the important thing about empathy is putting yourself in the other person’s position, recognising and understanding the other person’s feelings and communicating this understanding to the other person gently and without judgement.
- According to Klaavu, a sympathetic person throws themselves down the hole of another person’s emotions without any means to get out. On the other hand, an empathic person goes down into the hole with a ladder and helps both people get out.
- In Voss’s tactical empathy, the important thing is active listening and related listening tools such as labelling and mirroring.
- By empathic listening, Rosenberg means recognising another person’s feelings and needs and mirroring them back to the person.
- Empathic listening is a good skill to practice.
- Often simply the experience of being heard and connecting with another person is enough to make someone feel better.