Once when I was on a train, I couldn’t avoid listening as the passenger in the seat behind me was having a conversation that very clearly raised strong emotions for both participants. They stayed silent for long stretches of time listening to the other person, and when it was their turn, they began, “Yes, I understand, but…” The same pattern repeated itself several times, until they finally stated, clearly frustrated, that they could not continue the conversation right then.
I also used to be a “Yes, I understand, but…” type of woman. Every part of this phrasing is absolutely true and feels important in the moment.
- Yes = I’ve heard your point and grasped its meaning.
- I understand = I truly understand your point of view, it makes sense.
- But = I still profoundly disagree with you or I have a point of view that I’d like you to understand in turn.
Nothing so concise as to say that “I understand” and then move on to presenting your own point of view. Unfortunately, this tactic doesn’t work.
Show, don’t state
Even when the other person says they understand, it’s difficult for us to believe that they truly do. Especially if they follow it up by relentlessly arguing and showing no signs of sharing our view. That’s why especially during conflicts and other high-pressure moments, the words “I understand” mean basically nothing.
Luckily, it’s entirely possible for us to show the other person that we do truly understand. It doesn’t take anything but delaying our own response, taking a moment and summarising the other person’s words back at them. But that’s easier said than done.
Take a moment and trust
During disagreements, it might feel like we must rush to defend ourselves. It’s easy to feel that if I don’t quickly say what I think and take up as much space as the other person, they’ll believe that I agree with them or that they’ll somehow gain the upper hand. It feels safer to push our own opinion.
However, in practice we do have an easier time sharing our own point of view and moving on from the conflict when we have the presence of mind to wait longer for our turn. Even though our nervous system is signalling pain and panic, we can consciously act differently from the messages our body sends us. We can trust that it will be our turn eventually.
Summarise
When we’ve agreed with ourselves that the world won’t end if we have to wait a bit, we can focus on summarising. The important thing when summarising is to repeat the main points of the other person’s story. The goal is to ensure that we’ve understood the story correctly and picked up on the important stuff. One important goal is to give the other person the feeling that they’ve truly been understood.
In some contexts (such as Amanda Ripley’s book High Conflict), summarising is also called looping. Looping is mostly the same as summarising, but in looping, it’s particularly important to finish with a check-up:
- ”Did I understand correctly?”
- ”Did I grasp the main point?”
- ”Was this what you wanted to say?”
Looping also emphasises that the summary should particularly focus on observing and putting into words the other person’s feelings and experiences because validating them creates a particularly strong feeling of being understood.
In your own words or the other person’s?
When you’re summarising or looping the other person’s story, you can use either the other person’s words and phrases or synonyms and your own words. Both ways have their pros and cons.
Previously, I thought that it’s good to use your own words and synonyms, because otherwise you might end up sounding like a parrot. If you’re simply repeating what the other person has said, you don’t necessarily have to focus as much as if you’re summarising with your own words. The summary may also sound more natural and genuine if the person summarising uses language that’s natural to them instead of imitating the other person’s phrases (especially if the modes of expression are drastically different.)
However, using your own words has the clear disadvantage that phrasing can feel strange and wrong to the original speaker. Replacing the original phrasing with something else can feel like they’re being disregarded or dismissed. Proponent of open dialogue, clinical psychologist and professor emeritus Jaakko Seikkula recommends preferring to share the other person’s mode of expressing themselves and mirroring it.
From understanding the other person to a shared understanding
It’s important to acknowledge that giving the other person space and making them feel like they’ve been understood doesn’t mean or require that you agree with the other person. We can summarise their point of view even if it is practically nonsensical to us. By summarising, we’re just seeking a shared understanding that the other person has been truly heard.
Afterwards, you can return to your own views, opinions and counterarguments. The other person will be a lot more receptive when they have a strong experience of having been understood, perhaps even on an emotional level. From this first step towards understanding, the bridge-building towards a shared understanding regarding the whole conversation can begin. Without this first step of understanding, that’s more difficult, sometimes even impossible.
The first step of understanding doesn’t come from me understanding you. It comes from you feeling that I understand you. To get there, you need time, trust and summaries.
Yes, I understand, but…
TL;DR It’s not enough to understand, the other person has to also feel they’ve been understood
- During a conflict, the other person won’t feel they’ve been understood just because you say you understand them.
- Show the other person that you understand: delay your own answer, take your time and repeat the other person’s message summarised.
- By summarising, you make sure that you’ve understood the other person correctly and give them the feeling that you’ve understood them.
- Summarising and showing understanding doesn’t mean that you agree with them. You can share your own view after the other person’s point of view has been dealt with.