It feels a little silly to write a whole blog post about a subject that can be summarised as: when you’re in a tight spot, take advantage of a time-out. However, we adults do not seem to intuitively take time-outs, so perhaps this subject is worth examining more deeply.
What is a time-out?
Most simply, a time-out is a break. It’s a break from something that you’re in the middle of right then – perhaps even something very intensive. The point of the break is to:
- help people think better, clear their thoughts or find a new point of view
- help people process their feelings, to calm down the situation or to change their emotional state
- help people have the energy to go on, to take a breath, to gather their strength or to prepare to continue advancing the issue.
In sports, this is very clear-cut. When the team is unfocused, you’re losing badly, the situation is difficult, emotions are running high, the game isn’t going anywhere or everything seems to be going downhill, you take a time-out.
But at work or in relationships? We argue harder, extend the meeting, speak louder and more, add more people into the mix or do other somewhat silly things.
Why don’t people take a time-out?
Why don’t people take advantage of time-outs outside of sports – at least not as often as they could? My own observation from everyday life is that we don’t think of it. Instead, we have some sort of mystic idea that part of being an adult is forcing things to somehow always happen the first time we try.
We might think of time-outs as childish or as showing weakness. It can be mistaken for incapability or failure. We think, ”If I was really capable, I could get this conversation right the first time.” Or, “I should be able to handle this situation better.”
Instead of accepting that we’re human, unfinished and not omnipotent, we try to just push through with determination. Despite of the fact that many things just keep getting slower and more difficult.
Why take a time-out?
Well, what would happen if we did take a time-out? People would get a moment (a short one or a bit longer) to breathe, gather their thoughts and process what they’ve heard. The most heated feelings around the issue might cool down and give way to empathy and putting yourself in another’s shoes. Perhaps during the night new ideas might crop up and solve the whole situation in a brand-new way.
At the very least, people could go to the bathroom, drink a glass of water and refresh a bit. The worse our body is feeling, the worse our mind feels. It’s very difficult to be constructive, solution-focused or open to different points of view if you’re all out of energy and your blood sugar is at an all-time low.
How to take a time out?
First, acknowledge that there’s a need for a time-out. You can recognise this need in yourself or in other people, but if you’re speaking for other people, you need to be neutral and careful in your observations. Naming is a good tool for this as well:
- It seems that our conversation is going around in circles. Should we take a small break?
- It seems that this awakens a lot of thoughts in you. Would it be good for us to think about this a bit more and come back to it, say, later today?
- It feels that people have strong reactions to this. How about we take a five-minute break to give everyone a chance to process?
- It sounds like you fundamentally disagree with me. I need a little time to consider what I’ve heard. Do you mind if we take a break?
When you’ve agreed to take a break, also agree on how long the break is and where you’ll return after it. The break can be anything from a few minutes to a few days, and why not longer, if it’s OK to all parties. The most important thing is that you’ve all agreed when you’ll get back to the subject.
It’s also good to agree where and how you’ll return to the subject. When the break is short, you usually return to the same place and everyone gets themselves there. If the conversation has a leader or the event has a facilitator, you can also agree that they’ll gather everyone up. If the conversation continues later, agree on who’ll take care of organising it. This way, no one will get the feeling that the time-out is a way to end the conversation.
What do I do with a time-out?
Finally, a few words about what you should do if you find yourself on a time-out. Since the point of the time-out is to support your thinking, reduce emotional turmoil and give strength, it’s a good idea to, for example:
- unpack and process feelings by breathing, speaking or moving
- take care of your body by stretching, drinking water, having a snack or going outside
- gather your thoughts by writing, speaking or otherwise organising them
- calm down your nervous system by focusing on your body and your breathing or seeking out a hug
- think various (self-)compassionate and solution-focused approaches to the situation
- seek out new points of view by talking to a neutral third party.
Instead, it’s not a good idea – especially, if the time-out is brief – to
- mix up your thoughts by checking your work email or chats
- add fuel to the fire by focusing on everything that’s going badly or by catastrophising
- doom scroll.
The important questions to ask yourself are: What would help me in this moment? What would I need right now? I’m sure that in sports, the important components of a time-out are staring at the whiteboard as well as a sip of water and a dry towel.
Often a time-out is the most friendly and useful thing that you can give to yourself and to others. Don’t try to push through, take a break.
TL;DR Agree on a time-out, take a break
- A time-out means a break to support thinking, emotions and coping.
- Take advantage of a time-out to calm down and support your thinking – not to add fuel to the fire or get distracted.
- We avoid time-outs because it feels like weakness or a failure.
- Time-outs improve communication and decision-making.
- Before the time-out, agree when you’ll get back.