When we give feedback, we usually want to somehow change how someone else behaves or acts. Most often that requires not only giving the feedback but also talking about it, which helps the person receiving feedback to process and internalise it. Discussion is the most important stage of giving feedback, and it’s good to prepare for it:
1) Check your own attitude.
2) Invite the other person to talk in a psychologically safe way.
3) Mentally prepare for different potential ways the discussion can go.
First, make sure you have the right attitude
When we plan to give feedback, it’s important to pause for a moment to examine what our own attitude towards the whole situation is. At this point, we should really be honest with ourselves. Quite often, especially if our feelings haven’t had time to cool down, we’re feeling hostile, which doesn’t help the feedback discussion to go well and also doesn’t help us to reach our goals.
A Hostile approach
It’s very easy to mask our own thirst for revenge or emotional outburst as “feedback”. When we’re frustrated with someone’s behaviour, it’s very typical to want to let them have it and tell them how badly they’ve acted. Behind this sort of motive, we can usually find being hurt, aggression and a desire to settle the score – even if we claimed otherwise.
If we give feedback in this state of mind, it will probably lead to even more problems. The person receiving feedback senses the hostility and won’t receive our feedback, no matter how constructively we phrase it. They might close up, get defensive or even start behaving even worse as revenge. It’s a downward spiral.
A Constructive approach
When we first calm down our feelings, we often find another type of motivation for giving feedback. We no longer just want to get back at the other person, but want to improve the situation. We’re also more ready to understand the person receiving feedback and don’t automatically assume that they’ve acted with bad intentions. The motive behind giving feedback is a desire to foster a working and good cooperative relationship.
When the goal behind giving feedback is to improve things, not make them worse, we gain access to a totally different toolset. We’re better prepared for the discussion, we don’t startle at the other person’s first reactions and we have enough patience, which might turn the whole conversation in a better direction.
Invite the other person to have a feedback discussion safely
When we invite someone to have a feedback discussion, we should try to do it in a way that is psychologically safe. This way, the conversation gets off to a good start. It’s important to try to be transparent and also give the other person some measure of control over the situation.
First off, we must tell them that we would like to give feedback, and what about. Secondly, we can give the other person a chance to decide, or at least influence, when the discussion will happen. A feedback discussion requires space and emotional bandwidth, so it’s also to our advantage that the other person is ready to receive feedback.
Transparency and respect set the right tone for the conversation. The other person feels like they have the power to influence the situation, which makes it safer. This makes it easier to receive feedback and makes it possible to participate in the discussion actively and constructively.
Finally, a constructive feedback discussion
When the preparations are done, it’s time for a constructive feedback discussion. Most often we are taught how to formulate our feedback (for example with the observation + impact model), but we get less instruction on what might happen after giving feedback. After all, the person receiving it might react in many different ways:
- They get quiet and lost in thought.
- They seem hurt. Their feelings can range from rage to sorrow.
- They get offended and launch a counterattack.
- They start to explain and justify their behaviour.
- They just stare and don’t know what to say.
- They look downwards and seem like they’ve given up and don’t want to talk about it.
All of these reactions are perfectly natural and automatic. At this point, the person doesn’t quite yet have control over their reaction, and we shouldn’t judge them based on their first reaction. It’s practically impossible (even after years of practice) to always receive all feedback calmly. The important thing is how the discussion ends, not how it begins.
The best tactic is to not react to the other person’s first reaction and to give them a moment. Whether they’re justifying themselves, shouting, crying, getting lost in thought or staring apathetically, let them do it. Breathe calmly. Listen to what they have to say or just stay silent with them. Being still and silent requires practice, but it works wonders. Feelings fade quickly when they aren’t provoked.
Moving on to the discussion
After a moment, we usually see a change in the other person. Depending on how they’re feeling and their state of mind, we can try to guide the situation towards a discussion in different ways.
- If they’re silent, lost in thought, thoughtful, sad or closed off, we can carefully ask, “What does this make you think?”
- If their reaction is still strong, we can give space for their outburst: “It seems that you disagree. Would you like to tell me more?”
- If the feelings don’t let go and the other person gets even more aggressive, we can suggest a short break: “I can see that this brings up strong emotions. How about we take a five-minute break and get back to this?”
Feedback often brings up strong emotions especially in the beginning, and rejection is a very common first reaction. When we get the other person to talk, to share their view on what happened, they open up and feel like they’ve been heard. Then it also gets easier for them to face the part of the feedback that they aren’t proud of and which hurts their self-esteem.
We only have control over our own feelings
It’s important to remember that no matter how well-prepared we are and how tactfully we give our feedback, we cannot control the other person’s reaction. We cannot stop them from getting offended.
We are not responsible for the other person’s feelings. Our job is to stay polite, respectful and friendly. The other person might still get angry, offended or tearful – but that’s not our responsibility. We can’t avoid giving feedback just because of the feelings it might bring up in others. Feelings aren’t dangerous, and they pass.
We are, however, responsible for our own feelings. That’s why it’s important that we observe how we react to the other person’s reactions. If we stay calm and take a break if needed, the discussion doesn’t get out of hand. On the other hand, if we are afraid that we can’t control ourselves, we can always ask a third, neutral party to join in if needed.
Summary
Feedback discussions are always a little uncomfortable. As they should be: it reminds us to prepare, to focus and to be present. With time and practice, however, giving feedback gets easier.
When we give feedback, we must remember that we always see a situation more or less from our own point of view. That’s why giving feedback should focus not only on the opening but also on how the conversation itself goes. The quality of a feedback discussion is often more important than its beginning, no matter how well thought out it was in advance.
It’s comforting to know that no matter what happens, we can nearly always try again, apologise and take a different approach. Mistakes are human – and it’s even more human to make up, learn and grow. That’s what feedback is for.
TL;DR A feedback discussion helps feedback hit its target
- Make sure that you genuinely want to improve the situation. You have to process your own negative feelings before you can give feedback.
- Make the other person participate in the discussion by letting them influence when the feedback discussion happens.
- The first reaction of the person receiving feedback can be anything. Don’t focus on that, but give them time.
- Feelings aren’t dangerous, and they will pass.
- Usually, a feedback discussion eventually ends well. If it doesn’t, you can return to it, often with better results.