I was once part of a conversation where someone asked, “Can I ask this question in a job interview or would it seem like I’m secretly judgemental?” We then together went over the question and analysed whether it would seem like that or not.
Tero Ykspetäjä had a really good comment on the matter:
”Those are good questions, especially if you want to work for an organisation where asking stuff like that won’t be taken as being secretly judgemental – the reaction to your questions can already tell you a lot about the workplace culture.”
I agreed (and still agree) with Tero. I still felt the need to expand on the issue. That’s why I created the matrix you can see below.
Does it seem like you’re secretly judgemental vs were you secretly judgemental
A lot depends on how you ask the question. Almost any question can sound like you’re secretly judgemental if you meant to be secretly judgemental. Similarly, a person can interpret almost any question as secretly judgemental, even if it wasn’t meant that way. Thus we can approach the issue as a matrix where the attitudes of both people involved affect what’s taken as secretly judgemental and what’s not.
| A genuine question | A secretly judgemental question | |
|---|---|---|
| Interpreted as genuine | Yay | OMG |
| Interpreted as judgemental | SOS | Makes sense |
My definition is that if the question is genuine, then it is not meant to be secretly judgemental. If, on the other hand, the asker is judgemental, then the question is meant to be secretly judgemental.
Yay and makes sense – natural communication situations
If the intent of the asker and the interpretation of the answerer are in line, there’s nothing weird happening. If the question is genuine and it’s taken as genuine, that is, answered properly, then there’s nothing remarkable about the communication. If, on the other hand, the question comes from a judgemental place and is meant to be secretly judgemental, it makes sense that the other person goes on the defensive or feels that the question is inappropriate.
So if someone interprets your question as secretly judgemental, you have cause to look in the mirror: what really was your own attitude behind the question? If it turns out that a seemingly innocuous question was packed with judgement, doubts and criticism, you can’t blame the other person if they felt you were being secretly judgemental.
OMG – being charitable or lacking understanding?
Initially, I envisioned the OMG box so that if someone is being not-so-secretly judgemental and they still can give a matter-of-fact answer, they’re an excellent communicator. They have enough self-esteem to avoid being provoked, are able to apply the principle of charity and overall have the mental strength to accept being doubted neutrally and professionally.
Afterwards, I’ve thought that the OMG box can also be a matter of not understanding. It’s totally possible that the other person doesn’t understand or recognise that the person they’re talking to is being secretly judgemental and thus reacts as if they weren’t. In any case, I think that all of us would do well to try not to act like the person we’re talking to is being secretly judgemental – whether that’s true or not.
SOS – the other person has some serious work to do
If the question (genuinely!) wasn’t meant to be secretly judgemental and it’s still taken that way, it’s a sign that the other person should do some self-reflection. It’s totally possible and even natural that the question has put them on the defensive for one reason or another. Nevertheless, most of us should be self-aware enough in our professional lives that we can analyse our reactions on the fly and avoid ending up here.
In fact, life will be overall easier if we learn to recognise the existence of this box and avoid it. Here’s some help:
- Applying the principle of charity
- Applying Hanlon’s razor
- Asking yourself what else something could mean
- Breathing and time-outs
- The story I tell myself about what happened
- Examining our interpretations of the situation
- Accepting and processing our own emotions
Be honest with yourself
I increasingly think that the secret to all successful communication is being honest with yourself. Quite often the reason for communication failures is our words and intent being in conflict.
- We try to be friendly when we’re actually angry.
- We use pretty words, but really we mean to criticise.
- We don’t even recognise ourselves what we truly mean.
That’s why the most important tool for a communicator is a mirror. When you analyse what you’re really doing often enough and deeply enough, you’re more likely to succeed.
TL;DR: The secretly judgemental matrix – does it seem like they’re secretly judgemental or were they actually secretly judgemental?
- How we ask a question has a huge impact.
- It’s natural that the asker’s intent and the answerer’s interpretation are in line: a genuine question gets a proper response and people don’t like to be secretly judged.
- If someone thinks you’re secretly judgemental when you ask a question, check your own attitude.
- It would be good for all of us to avoid assuming we’re being secretly judged – whether we are or not.
- You can give a matter-of-fact answer if you have enough self-awareness to avoid being provoked, the ability to apply the principle of charity and generally the mental strength to receive doubts neutrally and professionally.
- If the question (genuinely!) wasn’t meant to be secretly judgemental and they still take it that way, they should do some self-reflection.
- Quite often the reason for communication failures is our words and intent being in conflict. That’s why the most important tool for a communicator is a mirror.