Have you ever asked someone a totally innocent and genuine “why” question and received a counterattack from a person who’s gone on the defensive?
A “why” question might awaken a surprisingly strong response, which can sometimes feel confusing. After all, “why” is a completely normal question word that we use daily. Generally, our “why” question is genuinely curious, well-meaning and eager for information. Why does the other person sometimes take it so badly?
”Why” doubts and interrogates you
As a question word, ”why” is very direct and perhaps a bit confrontational. When asked, “Why did you do that?” or “Why did you choose this solution?”, we might sometimes feel the need to go on the defensive. This is because we suspect that the “why” question hides indirect criticism or doubt of our actions.
A “why” question is easily linked to a confrontational or judgemental tone. Perhaps we’ve been interrogated and doubted so many times in our lives that we are suspicious of the asker’s motives a bit too quickly. Even if the asker didn’t mean to be confrontational or doubting, the answerer might interpret a “why” question like that anyway. Especially if they’ve been interrogated about the topic earlier as well.
“Why” requires self-reflection, which might awaken shame
Another reason for the counterreactions to “why” questions is related to shame. A “why” question might bring up stress and uncertainty for the person answering because it often requires self-reflection and looking for justifications. And shame makes us lash out easily.
A strong rection to a “why” question can also be related to the person’s own dissatisfaction with their actions or choices. Then the “why” question hits a particularly sore spot. If the person also feels that their role as an expert or their position in general is being threatened or if they, for example, suffer from imposter syndrome, answering a “why” question neutrally is particularly challenging.
Psychological safety by using other types of questions
If your relationship with the person is new, it can be a good idea to avoid “why” questions in the beginning, especially in written communication. If a person feels that their decisions and choices are doubted right off the bat, it can easily create friction that makes it harder to build trust. Instead, the goal should be a safe atmosphere where the other person feels that their views and needs are respected.
Instead of asking “why”, you can use softer and more neutral questions. Choose a question that doesn’t sound like you’re conducting an interrogation but still helps you get the information you need. Good options are for example:
- ”Could you tell me more about this choice?”
- ”What led to this solution?”
- ”How does this choice support your goals?”
By using other question words (what, how, which type…) and as broad inquiries as possible (could you tell me / expand on / describe…), you can help the other person feel safer around the topic. Creating a softer atmosphere is crucially important especially at the beginning of a new relationship.
Intent means more than words
Tone has a huge impact on the success of communication. Our word choices absolutely impact the tone of our communications. Yet even more important than our choice of words is ultimately our goal, that is, our intent behind the communication.
- Am I doubting?
- Does my question hide a criticism?
- Do I think the other person’s actions or choices are bad?
- Do I doubt the decisions that have been made?
- Or am I genuinely curious, neutral or well-meaning?
We can make any question sound confrontational if we are confrontational on the inside. In turn, a “why” question might get a good response if it is asked in a respectful tone by a well-meaning person.
That’s why it’s as important to think about your own attitude behind the words as it is to think about the words themselves. When intent and word choice are aligned, the tone will also come off as intended.
TL;DR: A ”why” question can put the other person on the defensive
- Why as a question word is very direct and it might be linked to an interrogative and judgemental tone.
- A “why” question often requires self-reflection and finding justifications, so it might bring up stress, uncertainty and shame for the person answering.
- Shame can easily make us aggressive.
- A “why” question is particularly difficult to answer if the person is not satisfied with their own actions, feels threatened or suffers from for example imposter syndrome.
- Particularly in new relationships, it’s a good idea to replace “why” questions with different question words (what, how, which type…) and as broad inquiries as possible (could you tell me / expand on / describe…)
- However, the tone of our communication is more affected by our goals, that is, the intent behind our communication, than it is by our choice of words.