Sometimes people annoy us. We can’t do anything about it, because it’s an unavoidable consequence of people not being copies of each other – which is good. But even if you accept that being annoyed is just a part of life, you’re still left with the fact that you’re annoyed. So what to do about it?
I recently found myself in this situation when a book club I belong to was beginning a new book with a new person organising it. I waited for the calendar invites and clarifications on the readings, and when they didn’t appear, I got incredibly annoyed.
Step 1: accept and observe
The first step is to notice that you’re annoyed. To accept that this is the case and to stop resisting it. It’s worthwhile to sit down and huff a bit. It might also be a good idea to say to someone that you’re really annoyed right now. At least to yourself.
After that, it’s time to observe what exactly is so annoying about your current situation. What it is that actually happened. What can you observe about this situation, and what interpretations have you given it? What alternative explanations are the for other people’s behaviour?
I had put quite a harsh interpretation on my situation. I interpreted that the book club organiser was neither interested in nor committed to the task. I thought that they didn’t respect the book club participants’ need to manage their time by giving the necessary information and sending the calendar invites on time.
And what could we observe had actually happened? The organiser hadn’t yet communicated the required reading to us nor sent invites. This had approximately a million different explanations. It’s also important to note that “on time” was entirely my own invention – there was no joint decision about the schedule. My own interpretation of the situation was incredibly harsh and out of proportion to what had actually happened.
Sometimes this step is enough to kill your annoyance, but usually not, so let’s get in deeper.
Step 2: analyse and clarify
Next we’ll try to find out why this thing, situation or person is annoying to us. The feeling of annoyance is within ourselves, so the answer will be too. The answer isn’t simply, “This person annoys me because they’re annoying.”
The most typical cause for being annoyed is that we have – or have had – some kind of expectations about how the other person would behave, and they have not matched those expectations. If this is the cause of your annoyance, you have to look yourself in the mirror enough to ask: did I communicate my expectations and am I certain that the other person really understood and agreed with what I expect of them?
If you scratch the surface of your feelings of being annoyed and stop to think about it, you might also find other feelings underneath the annoyance. We can, for example, feel worried about something, and that comes out as annoyance. It could be that we feel we’ve been wronged, but instead of sadness, the feeling most on the surface is annoyance. It could be that we’re very confused and find it hard to understand the other person’s behaviour, so we are vaguely annoyed about it.
When I examined my own annoyance about the book club organiser’s actions, I understood that I had expected the organiser to have already sent the things I wished for, but that they probably had their own schedule that they wanted to follow. I hadn’t at any point communicated my wishes or even asked them to do anything. In addition to that, I had a background belief that I couldn’t ask about these things without looking like a nitpicky micromanager. That’s why I felt like I had no control over the situation, which just added to my vague feelings of annoyance.
Step 3: accept or communicate
When you’ve stripped your annoyance to the core and have a pretty good idea what it really is about, it’s time to ask yourself: what do I want in this situation? How would I like this to be resolved? What would be a good, or at least an acceptable, end result? And how could I achieve that? (These questions are familiar from the responsibility process.)
Fairly often we are left with two options: either you accept the situation as it is and let it be, or you communicate your feelings, experiences and needs to the person who’s annoying you. It’s especially important to learn to ask for what we need so that the next time the situation may turn out differently.
I noted that it was rather silly to just wallow in my annoyance, so I decided to communicate my wishes to the book club group and also make my own note in my calendar and do my own plan to do the reading. This helped me to stop feeling like the situation was totally out of my control, and I immediately felt less annoyed.
Usually the solution can be found by understanding yourself and the other person, and doing something concrete.
P.S. It’s really interesting how everyone becomes terribly annoying right at the moment when you are very busy…
TL;DR Other people will unavoidably annoy us. What should we do about it?
- Notice that you’re annoyed. Don’t try to resist it.
- Observe what is happening.
- Figure out what internal reason you have for your annoyance. Often the reason is related to your own expectations.
- Think about how you’d like the situation to be resolved and what you could do about it.
- Accept the situation as it is or talk to the person who’s causing your annoyance.