I’ve noticed a curious phenomenon. It begins with someone talking about something that they consider emotional, challenging or uncomfortable. Just when the mood is getting a bit heavy and the listener is starting to feel empathy, the speaker suddenly toughens up and says something like, “Well, it is what it is.”
This sudden self-correction has many forms. For example:
- ”But no more about that now.”
- ”This isn’t any kind of sob story!”
- ”I’m not after pity, you know.”
- ”It happens.”
- ”That’s how it is.”
- ”But it’s all in the past.”
- ”Yes, but how about we get to work.”
- ”Oh, it’s time for me to leave now.”
The function of these phrases is to diminish the experience, to make it smaller and less dangerous. Or then they end the conversation so that there’s no need to spend any longer on it.
It can be hard to give room for empathy
I also do the same thing in situations where I cannot bear receiving empathy. After all, empathy might first make the emotions stronger, because it is taking care of them. Often an empathetic answer prompts crying or some other emotional reaction.
Additionally, receiving empathy demands giving in and letting yourself be vulnerable. It doesn’t always feel safe or possible in the moment. You might feel the need to keep yourself together or you might not be quite certain if the other person can take the things that want to climb out of you.
On the other hand, if you never give in to the experience, it might make it harder to form connections with the people close to you.
Self-correction prevents connections from forming
Empathy is a building block of interpersonal connections. When we understand the other person’s story, it awakens empathy and willingness to be a support in us. It’s not pity or wallowing in the other person’s feelings, but sharing the burdens and creating a safe space for another person in a difficult moment so that they can process their feelings.
It’s understandable that when you start forming a connection to your feelings while telling a story, you feel like walking back in and locking the door. “I don’t want to go there, it feels uncomfortable.” But walking towards those feelings in the presence of a safe person is exactly what helps us overcome things. At the same time, it creates a stronger connection between listener and speaker.
If you reject empathy by always self-correcting when you start to feel something, the listener might feel that the door gets closed right when you’ve got to the important things.
Stop for a moment to receive empathy
Receiving empathy doesn’t need to mean that you get stuck on the story for hours or analyse it endlessly. Sometimes even a small moment of empathy is enough to make you feel better – and the listener gets to feel that they’ve supported you. So the next time you notice that you’d like to belittle the conversation you’re having or quickly bring it to a close, try stopping for moment to receive empathy.
Say to yourself or the listener, “this feels uncomfortable and I’d like to end this conversation, but I’ll try for a moment to act differently.” After that, sit silently for a moment with the feeling that awakens in you. If the other person tries to resolve the situation by talking, ask them to be silent for a moment as well. If you feel like sharing what you’re thinking, do. Finally, say, “Thank you for listening and being present”, even if you haven’t said anything.
When we compassionately open the door to the things that feel difficult, we let in light, and we feel better.
TL;DR Self-correction rejects compassion
- Many self-corrective phrases belittle the speaker’s experience or end the conversation and thus prevent the listener from expressing empathy.
- Receiving empathy is often hard because it requires letting yourself be vulnerable and might first strengthen the emotions we don’t want to have.
- Nevertheless, empathy improves the receiver’s mood and builds interpersonal connections.
- If receiving empathy feels difficult, try sitting with the emotion a little longer the next time.