There’s honesty and then there’s meanness, obscenity or spite masquerading as honesty. There’s also honesty that becomes thoughtless hurtfulness in the absence of compassion. Honesty without compassion is cruelty, as Bruce Kasanoff says.
Because we value honesty (and for a good reason), we might think that you can say just about anything in the interest of being honest. We might also think that it can’t make you angry if it’s honest. A bit like we might think that it can’t make you angry if it’s the truth. What will become of us if people start getting mad at truths and honesty?
Why can’t I just be honest?
Human relationships and communications must deal with the frustrating fact that our choice of words alone doesn’t dictate the effect our message has. The same words said in a different moment, with a different tone of voice or to a different person can provoke a completely different sort of reaction or result. If I had to select one single factor that affects the impact of our words the most, it would be our intent.
That’s why we must ask what is our intent behind the honesty. What it is that we’re trying to achieve? Only after that can we evaluate if what we’re going to say is what it would be a good idea to say in that moment. After all, you can be honest in many different ways and in many different words.
That something is true or honest does not yet make it friendly or even effective. Especially if our intent isn’t even to be friendly, compassionate or constructive. Also, if we’re truly honest – that is to say, to ourselves – we might catch ourselves in the act of pretending we’re being honest when we’re using honesty to mask meanness, spitefulness or the need to get the last word in. This kind of “honesty” is better left unsaid.
You can’t hide behind honesty
If our intent is to have a productive discussion, to help the other person become better or to repair a relationship, it’s not enough to be honest. You also must be constructive, compassionate and understanding. Without these, honesty is probably just going to wreak havoc.
When you’ve hurt someone else with cruelly worded honesty, you can’t hide behind “I’m just being honest!” We are responsible for our words even when we’re speaking truthfully and being honest. We can’t just blurt out everything we think is true, but we also must consider which effect we want our words to have. Especially if the issue or the situation is sensitive.
Or of course we can blurt it out, but then we must live with the consequences of our word choices. And we cannot blame the world for not taking our honesty the way we’d like it to.
Honesty is without a doubt an important and valuable trait. When it is combined with compassion, it creates strong relationships, safe work environments and better understanding between people.
TL;DR Honesty is a virtue, but you mustn’t use it to be mean
- In the absence of compassion, honesty can become thoughtlessly hurtful.
- Our intent is what most affects the impact of our words. Ask yourself what it is you’re trying to achieve.
- We have a responsibility for our words even when we’re speaking truthfully and being honest.
- Just being honest isn’t enough. You also must be constructive, compassionate and understanding.