Have you ever listened to someone, maybe even for a long time, without quite grasping what the other person is talking about? It’s not about the sentences not being coherent, the story not progressing logically or the topic not being clear. Yet you’re left with a feeling that as a listener, you don’t quite grasp what’s happening in this communication situation.
I recently figured out that for me, listening becomes difficult if I’m not quite sure what the context of the conversation is. The context is about two things:
- Why has the other person chosen to tell me about this thing?
- What is expected of me in relation to this story?
If we don’t know why we, specifically, are the recipient of this specific story, we can find it difficult to motivate ourselves to listen to it. Sometimes our role as colleagues, friends and spouses can of course be to simply provide a listening ear for another person to work things through, but that gets tiring after a while if we can’t grasp the point. And if we don’t know what’s expected of us, we can find it hard to participate in the conversation or even listen to the story and pick out the right things from it.
Tell a lawyer first the question and then the story
One way to look at this comes from lawyers. My lawyer friend Jussi Kari once told me that when people are talking to lawyers, it’s important to first tell the question and only then the story.
Often people approach the situation the other way around. First, they tell the lawyer absolutely everything that has happened, and only then ask the question they want an answer to. After hearing the question, the lawyer often asks the person to tell the story again, anyway.
Why? Because now the lawyer knows what they are listening to. Only after the question can the lawyer assess which pieces of the person’s story are related to the specific question that has been asked. After all, it’s pretty much guaranteed that the story contains pieces that are not.
Without knowing the question, you try to listen to and remember everything, and that doesn’t usually work. That’s why it pays off to first say what question you want an answer to, and only then the story.
Even a small hint about the context helps a lot
Creating a context for the conversation can be done with very simple and small sentences that don’t even need to be particularly explicit. You don’t need to spell it out every time. For example, these sentences may well be enough:
- ”You’ll never guess what happened to me at work today…”
- You think the story is surprising, emotional or interesting.
- My role is to listen and be empathetic.
- ”Oh, I’m so annoyed about…”
- You are frustrated and need to unburden your heart.
- My role is to listen and be empathetic.
- ”I don’t quite know what to decide…”
- You are struggling between choices.
- My role is to listen to the different options, so that I can share my view, if necessary.
- ”What do you think about…”
- You have an idea or a thought that you’d like to share.
- My role is to listen to it and assess what I think about it.
- ”This thing is still bothering me…”
- You have something on your mind that you’d like to unburden.
- I get ready to listen to you receptively and with empathy.
Of course we can interpret the context wrong, or it may change along the way. That’s the nature of real conversations. Nevertheless, we stay more interested in and more committed to the conversation when we are active participants in its progression from the beginning.
You can also be very transparent about the context
If it doesn’t feel natural to preface a story with a micro context like above, you can also take a more concrete approach. Before starting to tell your story to another person, you can take a moment to consider your own aims: Why do I want to tell this story to this person? What’s my point? What do I hope to get from the other person?
The end result might be a communication that’s something like this:
- ”I have a story I’d like to share. Do you have the time to listen to me?”
- “I’m a bit stuck between different options and I’d like your view on which option you think would be the best.”
- ”I’d like to be heard. Could you listen to this thing without giving advice or solving my problem?”
- ”Something impactful happened to me today, and I’d like to work out my thoughts about it by telling you.”
If you’re lost, ask for context
On the other hand, if you’re the listening party and you can’t quite grasp what’s happening, you can ask for context. This is of course easier said than done. It sometimes takes me a quarter of an hour to realise that I should have interrupted the other person a while ago and asked for listening guidance.
However, it’s never too late. Sometimes I’ve asked for context for the conversation after the conversation has already ended, and that alone has been fruitful. After hearing the context, the story can become more comprehensible, even if it’s already been told fully.
Because asking for context can be a sensitive issue, it’s a good tactic to not ask why. The same thing can be said like this, for example:
- ”Hey, wait, I’m noticing that I’m having trouble following your story. Could you help me by telling me what you’re hoping I’ll do? Am I just listening, or would you like my opinion on something or some other participation?”
- ”Hey, wait, I’ll summarise what I’ve heard so far. [summary] Did I grasp the important things? I’ve been a bit unsure about what your story is about.
- ”Hey, wait, I thought that I was listening how your day’s been, but now I’m a bit unsure what we’re talking about. Could you quickly tell me what you’re looking for from this conversation?”
With someone you know well and are close to – especially if you’ve discussed contextualising before – you can be even more direct: “Hey, could I get the context, so it’d be easier to listen to you: why are you telling me this and what’s my role here?”
The context improves the quality of life for both the listener and the teller, because it improves the quality of the conversation. The teller gets a better response to their story, and the listener is able and knows how to listen better. And if the listener is a lawyer, you also save time and money.
TL;DR The context of the conversation, or why the other person is telling me this and what they are expecting from me
- If the other person’s story is comprehensible, but you don’t feel like you know what’s going on anyway, it’s a good idea to get clear about the context of the conversation.
- If you don’t know the context, listening to and participating in the conversation can feel difficult.
- You can create the context with a quick introductory sentence. You can also say clearly why you want to tell the story and what you’re expecting from the listener.
- Getting a context improves conversation quality, even if you only get it after the story.